im gonna make a change.
for once in my life.
its gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, gonna make it right! :)(:

here's to the last 40%.
i can do thiiiiiiiis!!!
XXX
g

exerpt from Rihanna's interview with Glamour magazine:


Glamour: If you could offer a message to the millions of young women who look up to you, what would you tell someone who found herself in a similar situation?

Rihanna: Domestic violence is a big secret. No kid goes around and lets people know their parents fight. Teenage girls can’t tell their parents that their boyfriend beat them up. You don’t dare let your neighbor know that you fight. It’s one of the things we [women] will hide, because it’s embarrassing. My story was broadcast all over the world for people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women.

do you remember that essay that was written many years ago called, "the one that got away"? i remember receiving it from candice garcia in my email when i was in college. i also remember thinking that the love i had for a previous boy made him "the one that got away". he wasn't the one that got away. instead i learned that he was the one that had to get away. :))

think about it. there are quite a number of us who were meant to date more than one person. we were meant to fall not just into one but several relationships, because as i've read in a book by gary chapman, we date more to discover what it is we really want. we can weigh our options, and narrow down our choices.

when i was in grade school, everything i knew was like a fairytale. and when the harsh reality of high school, coupled with adolescence, kicked in it was the wildest trip through my earliest...mistakes. sometimes we just have to stumble, and fall, and eventually look like the fool.

i used to think high school held the very best days of my life, until i went to college. now college was an entirely different story all on its own. and college was where i took my first course on relationships. i guess it helps to have studied in a university where theology, psych, and philo could discuss the way man worked and how he ought to be in relation with other people. it helped that as we learned theories in class, i was learning the ropes to reality.

my college love was not the best, neither did i think he was the one. but after we fell apart and decided to go our separate ways, there was a period when i felt like he could have been "the one that got away". what if we were making a mistake? what if we were meant to stay put a little longer? what if he meant his promises of marriage and just how much he loved me? but just as all things in life, the phase passes. we get tired of thinking that way, we move forward and grow up. eventually, "the one that got away" becomes "the one that had to get away".

do you ever thank the people who've let go of you because if they hadn't your life wouldn't have evolved into what it has become today? maybe we don't thank them outright, to save ourselves the agony of having to converse with bad blood again, but silently we're happy. and silently, we think to ourselves, thank god we saw life for what it really was. thank god we grew up.

my salbs used to ask me a lot of "what ifs". mostly they were "what if we had stayed together?", and my answer would always be, "then at some point you'd have to end it. because if it wasn't going to happen now, you would have lingered until hate festered, and yes you'd still break up." timing is everything.

there is no perfect time to break up with someone. you just do. there is really no such thing as perfect timing either. yes we pray and we wait things out. we try to hold out a little longer, but to hold back because we feel it might not be "the right time" wastes time entirely. i learned that in college. and i forget which prof told me that. it's not to say that we should jump thoughtlessly at opportunity. it just means taking philo and tying it to faith.

i learned a valuable lesson this year about jumping carelessly. and in it i learned that everything looks good on the surface, but if you don't take the time to study the situation, step back, and help yourself gain perspective, then your judgment holds nothing substantial and you fall through the cracks. i also learned that without a firm foundation, building a tower of cards as quickly as you possibly can will send it tumbling down.

i tried to build on the sand, close to the water. and no amount of faith was going to hold the fort together.

this year i learned that the one who got away was meant to give me the space i needed. the one who got away was meant to help me grow. and the one who got away set the standard for everything good that was meant to come my way.

the one who got away, got away for good reason.

"and then i met you...you reminded me of him. you were both strong, kind, and confident in your own way. you even look like him. and there were many other parallels. they were small. they seemed important...as you and i began to know each other, i felt the cloud begin to lift a little bit. i thought this was because of the similarities between you and him, and so i decided that you and i would do eveyrthing that he and i had done. that way it would be almost like he had never died and the pain would stop. ...all of this is crazy and selfish, and wrong i know. but grief can make us crazy. anyway it didn't work. and at a certain point i realized, i didnt like you because you were like him. i liked you because i liked YOU...all i could do was hurt you, and thats not me charlie. thats not me at all. and someday i hope i can show you as much. something had to be done. in order for us to have a chance in the future, i had to make a break with the past. and for this i needed time."

-jordan roark (played by elisha cuthbert)

it took one smile to bring back all of the BEST memories, and an animated film to remind me that after one adventure you're always bound for another, maybe even greater, one. i'm in a good mood right now, so i think i'm going to take advantage of it. I'm also going to declare to the universe that i am ready for my next adventure. take me where the wind blows! :)(:

i don't know how it happened, or why God filled me with His grace today, but He did. He surprised me, and all I can say is, it's not so bad after all.

since college ended it's been one big roller coaster ride through the friends-zone. by that, i mean, a year and a half after college, you realize who your real friends are. you lose a few, but you know which ones are worth making the extra effort for. in the past months, i've been very grateful for the friends that have proven themselves real and sincere.

when you look back at the past, you realize that there are only a handful of people whom you can "return to". the ones that no matter how long its been, and no matter how bad you've had it with each other, are going to be worth the struggle. they're the ones with whom your memories have formed a rock-solid foundation, the ones whom you know you can allow yourself to just let loose without the fear of being judged. they're the friends who aren't afraid to be themselves when they are with you, because they just know deep in their hearts that they trust you and you trust them.

people may not understand you when you want certain individuals back into your life, especially if they've hurt you. but i remember reading a quote on tito jim's twitter that said, "Ur soulmate is not the one who makes you feel good. It's the one who has hurt you deepest bcuz he has expanded your soul the most".

there are a few people who have really been able to hurt me because they knew how vulnerable i was and could be. soulmates aren't exactly the people you fall in-love with and marry. i believe that you can have several in one lifetime. and it is these soulmates who are worth keeping. sometimes healing differences may take much longer than others, but nonetheless, you know that it was worth the wait.

when i came across "the sacrament of waiting", i learned that we can only HOPE for what's best, and reject any sort of expectation. Expectations kill. they can make or break you. that's why when waiting for an old friend to return, it takes a massive amount of patience and an unwaivering kind of faith and HOPE that one day they will return to you. and when they do, there is nothing quite like the happiness you feel to have such an important part of you back.

my favorite quote about the past is from jamaica kincaid, and for as long as i find it most true, i will always re-post this: "...the past is like this. There is a line . you can draw it yourself or sometimes it gets drawn for you. Either way, there is it. Your past, a collection of people you used to be and things you used to do. Your past is the person you NO LONGER ARE, the SITUATIONS YOU ARE NO LONGER IN..."

this isn't to say that the people in your past cannot come back and travel into the future with you. i think, and this is a fresh take on the quote, that what it means is we change. the past is passed for a reason. and from all the crazy things you've had to go through, here emerges a beautiful and stronger you. forget what has happened, and focus on what is in front of you. forget what could have been, and make the most of what you can do in the here and now. open yourself to opportunity, and without fail, the universe will greet you with happiness.

if things didn't work out in some aspect once, there's no saying that they couldn't work in many others. it's all a matter of perspective. :)(: the past is devious when you don't know what to do with it, and hang on to it for the wrong reasons. i choose to learn. to move forward. and to open myself to "the spirit of adventure".

one last thought.... i learned that when someone decides to give up on you, there's no use trying to convince them to stay. just agree. and if like the "sacrament of waiting" promises, with enough prayer and faith, there is a slight chance that they could come back to you. NO EXPECTATIONS.

i copied this from a friend's multiply blog post...
this entry really moved me / made me cry!
--------------

The English poet John Milton wrote that those who serve only also stand and wait. I think I would go further and say that those who wait render the highest form of service. Waiting requires more discipline, more self-control and emotional maturity, more unshakable faith in our cause, more unwavering hope in the future, more sustaining love in our hearts that all the greatest deeds of deering-do go by the name of action.

Waiting is a mystery - a natural sacrament of life - there is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives.

Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting (testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in self-control.) We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend to call or show up for a date. We wait in line at cinemas and theaters, concerts and circuses.
Our airline terminals, railway stations and bus depots are great temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one - or wait in sadness to say goodbye and give the last wave of hand. We wait for springs to come - or autumn - for the rains to begin and stop.

And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next stop.

We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success and recognition. We wait to grow up - to reach the stage where we make our own decisions. We cannot remove this waiting from our lives.
It is a part of the tapestry of living - the fabric in which the threads are woven to tell the story of our lives.

Yet current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait "grab all the gusto you can get." So reads one of America's greatest beer ads - get it now! Instant pleasure, instant transcendence. Do not wait for anything.
Life is short - eat, drink and be merry because tomorrow you will die. And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible
freedom- pre-marital sex and extra marital affairs - they warn against attachments and commitments - against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us - against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and wait.

This may be the correct prescription for pleasure - but even that is fleeting and doubtful - what was it Shakespeare said about the mad pursuit of pleasure - "Past reason hunted, and once had, past reason hated." Not if we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, soul as well as heart, we have to learn to wait. For if we never learn to wait, we will never learn to love someone other than ourselves.

For most of all waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery, brushing by our face everyday like a stray wind of leaf falling from a tree. Anyone who has loved knows how much waiting goes into it - how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime. Why is this? Why can we not have it right now what we so desperately want and need? Why must we wait - two years, three years - and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruit - the seed to flower - carbon to change to diamond. There is no simple answer - no more than there is to life's other demands -having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have made other commitments; or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives - having yourself to leave home and loved ones to find your own path
- good-byes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

all we know is that growth - the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other a time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting - of being present without asking demands and rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It truly tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other - until they can see things the same way - or let each other freely see things in quite different ways.

There are times when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance of intimacy of the way they were. They have to wait - in silence - but still present to each other - until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait; when we try to find shortcuts through life - when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume?
We lose the hope of truly loving or of being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature - isn't it of their very essence that they are filled with this strange but common mystery - that waiting is part of the substance - the basic fabric against which the story of that true love is written.

How can we ever find either life or true love if we are too impatient to wait for it?

Waiting is a good thing only if something is worth waiting for.

How will you know if it's worth it? Gut feel.

What if you don't trust your gut? Pray. You will be enlightened. Trust me.

Is it wrong to expect while waiting? It's not wrong, but it will increase your chances of heartbreak and disappointment if things don't work out in the end.

Is it good to expect while waiting? It is better to HOPE.

What's the difference between hoping and expecting? HOPING means you're open to either side of the coin landing though you're more inclined to believe that things will turn out well. EXPECTING means you're thinking single-track...which won't do you much good at all.

What's the difference between waiting and expecting? EXPECTING is waiting for something TO DEFINITELY HAPPEN. WAITING is staying where you are, but not necessarily expecting something to happen definitely.

Do you need assurance from someone you're waiting for while you're waiting? Ideally, yes. But realistically, do you really want assurance from this person? It's so easy to just point at something and make that the reason why you're waiting ("Because she said..." "Because he told me that...").

With WAITING, all you really can rely on are 3 things: your gut feel, your heart and mind. Just YOURSELF, not anyone else.

So should you wait? What does your gut say? How does your heart feel? What does your mind think? If they're saying different things, keep asking yourself these 3 questions (and pray!) until you ge t a solid answer.

THEN you'll know if he or she is worth waiting for.

i went to lunch in paseo center today, to bond with my good good friend, cat. we finished just in time so i could head back to the office. sir gelo asked me to be prompt and to return at one. so i made that extra effort to come early. it was raining so hard, so i whipped out my handy dandy BRIGHT ORANGE GMA umbrella, and made my way thru the crazy winds and strong rain.

I hopped across puddles, and got ready to make the cross and walk down valero, when a car came speeding. it happened all in a split second, when i saw this HUGE tidal wave coming at me. putek. tubig ng canal! my reflexes had me cover my face with my umbrella, but everything below, was SOAKING WET.

i could feel the germs, and all that makati dust and spit and trash on me. I looked down and thanked myself for wearing BLACK. No one would see the water marks, for sure. I turn to the guard standing next to me, and he was COMPLETELY dry. all he had to say was, ang bastos naman nun. Across me, about a hundred men are watching in shock. some, giggling. putek.

i decided to get a cab and have him drive me back to my office. It took awhile, and i swear the winds were so strong i thought it would break my cheap umbrella. so, when a cab pulled up with three girls planning their exit so that they wouldnt get wet, i jumped in before they even successfully got out. i had the best laughs with the cab driver, to whom i shared my whole story with. sabi niya, "mabaho pa naman ang canal ng makati", so i start sniffing the upper half of my dress. mabango pa naman ako eh. i tell him. but 10 seconds later, i decide to sniff the lower half... the cab driver sees me and says, grabe miss, pinapatawa mo ako. inamoy mo nga! hahahaha!

So as for working in makati... I gotta tell you, nothing beats bathing in a canal.

The story behind day 60 belongs to the book of Greg and Amira B[something], Its called a break-up because its broken. It tells you that if you want to survive letting go of something or someone, you ought to go through 60 entire days without it / him / her. I read it once in senior year, when i couldn't understand how to let go of a very messy relationship. But reading it worked. It's one of those books you digest once and always remember its message. There's never any need to re-read it. Unless you feel extremely pathetic and need a few harsh words flung at you to help you focus. I lost my book last year. But the lesson of day 60 has remained.

There's really no getting to day 60 without an intense amount of struggle. I've done it twice before, and i've survived it again. One thing i've learned about the whole 60 days of detoxing is that it gets easier and easier every time. Today I decided to go through my HS journals, and had the best laugh uncovering the Gisa that once lived through all those pages. She was different, she was a lot more daring, and she had delusions that one day she would marry the love of her life, M.L. I uncovered so much about myself that I had forgotten. It was funny but reading about that girl in all those pages made me feel like we were now worlds apart. It happened. I changed.

Discovering that we've grown up, at least in our own little ways, is exciting. 6 years ago, I went to prom, I was applying for universities and I was trying extremely hard to understand the crazy that is boys. Today, I had lunch with my prom date. After 6 years I saw him again, and it really made me wonder how we used to survive conversing. Life is different now, and so much has happened since. Prom was so so long ago, in fact, JonD and Carla met there, and are now dating [yiheeee!!!]. It is amazing how life unravels itself, don't you think? And it's amazing how in a span of 60 days, a whole different individual can emerge. I've learned to work towards making resolutions and have learned to be patient at getting there. And I'm very happy to say that I've achieved each one. Life is changing for me. And it's actually on the road to being ten times better. In fact, it already has been.

I cannot ignore the pitfalls, but every time I've fallen down, I've only learned to make new resolutions. A resolution a day, has kept the temptation away. So as for surviving 60 whole days, I think it is now safe to say, that i can make it last forever. I'm ready to start a new story, and write its book. New characters, new plots, new controversies. Exciting!

when he misses a day, you can understand. a week, and you're positive its forgiveable. but when you've gone past 2 months, 9 weeks, 60 days, you know that there's nothing to understand or to forgive. you know there's no use thinking it will all be okay one day, because 2 months down the line is enough to show you that he doesn't care.

i waited and made a decision. it's a done deal, and its finally been set in motion. :) it's a relief really. i'm just so through with all the nonsense. 4 months in, and you know that there's nothing left to save. painful but stupid.

i'm done. :)

In May 2007 I wrote:

"I met [BLANK] when I was a sophomore. I forgot why. But he was one of those friends who was just naturally easy to talk to. He had the right questions to ask and always made conversations so darn interesting. I used to kid that [BLANK] spoiled me, and you know what, he did. When I felt like shit, he'd come over and we'd just go out. We could talk non-stop and I'd constantly remain entertained. He was there rain or shine, and it was through [BLANK] that I learned "how to be a lady". In the past months, [BLANK] literally disappeared. It was so hard to get in touch with him, etc. But just recently, when all hell broke lose for both [BLANK] and me, it was nice to know that there was still the same old [BLANK] I could run to."

---------------

I was reading through my past - the many entries that i've written since I first put up my multiply account. Many did not make sense. I just didn't put too much thought into what I wanted to say. But there were some priceless pieces. I found a piece i wrote about my philo classes, and a quote by Paul Ricouer. It read, "betrayal of friendship...tells us a lot about the malice of the human heart." I still remember why it was written and all the emotions that went into writing my entry. And re-reading it today, i felt, was apt.

In Psychology we learn that its often most difficult to accomodate new information about people, especially when we've convinced ourselves we've known them enough to accept everything. But when people make mistakes, we tend to hold on to the negative aspects, thus erasing all the good we once knew them for. I surprise myself with the way i write, because although sometimes I may not make perfect sense to my audience, or to myself, writing is the avenue i choose to take to release my stress. They say most people who are able to deal with their emotions are better able to survive. This is my strategy for survival.

Since graduation in March 2008, all I've done is write. My 9-month vacation from responsibility took me down many paths to finally discover who I was. I wrote to understand myself and everything I was feeling. I wrote to improve myself and my well-being. In the months that followed after graduation, I had the shock of my life when everything I believed my life to be turned out to be something else. And I learned to gained support from friends when I put my feelings into my writing. I've kept blogs before, but I've never been as consistent as I have been with my multiply blog in the past year. Maybe because for the first time in my life, I actually felt strongly about something in particular. And for the first time, I could see myself changing and becoming a better person.

The best and worst thing someone can tell you is that they know what you're really like. It's awesome when your family can secure you with an identity and support the person that you are. But sometimes, I feel, that when someone tells me they know the kind of person that I am, they don't know half of what they're really talking about. There are a few people who can really say they know me, aside from the family that I have. Philosophy has taught me that man is wholly other. he is an ENIGMA. And as for knowing someone, we can only really know a few aspects. Those who met me in college, wouldn't have known the gisa that was in poveda. Just as the friends I left in high school, will always just remember me for what I was and how I presented myself back then.

We go wrong when we confine individuals to one thing. We categorize them in our heads and don't leave any room for them to grow. In short, we're not open to the changes that they might choose to make. In the past year, I've learned to use less and less of my judgment. I've learned that being open to possibilities can be a blessing, and you know what? it's true that "a change in attitude will allow a new person to grow inside of you." So as for who I am, I take pride in saying, things have changed. And everyday has been an active pursuit to make my life better. I do have my pit falls, and I'm thankful for the friends that have stuck by me despite the crazy that has gone on. Most of all, I am thankful that they've remained open to the fact that I too have changed and am changing. It's nice to know that I don't have to be stifled by anybody's definition of me.

Last night I dreamt I was on a mini train, one of those you find in a toy store and ride like a motor bike. It took me through the greatest scenery of snow and autumn, and then through a lake that had fish swimming beneath me. But as the ride was about to come to a close, we were forced to stuff ourselves into this box to get to the other side, and as I stared at the box, and feared getting stuck inside of it, I stood up, and walked right over it. I just feel like I'm bigger than any one's personal definition of me. And as for the past two weeks of my life, this is my response to the hurtful words that have been flung.

There are only a few people we can "return to". Only a few whom we will find have changed but can also welcome the change we're going through. The ones that box us up, and leave us in a closet in hopes that their definitions of us remain the same, either hurt us with the worsts of our past, or are hurt when they find we're no longer the same people. I leave you with the quote from Meet Joe Black: "stay open... lightning could strike!"

i will for my life to change for the better.
today is the first day of the rest of MY LIFE. :)(:

i hate how i've forgotten how sucky it feels. so to live through it all again is just shit.

i hate how much my heart hurts and how i can't stop crying. i can't believe it. :,(

i feel the need to write tonight because i realized i haven't taken the time to really process any of my thoughts. i now write for a living, and its great because everyday i learn something new about the world. never mind if the research can be tiresome and the articles can take awhile to create, the point is i'm learning each and everyday.

in the past days, i find i've been blessed with many angels, and the topic of love has consumed me. there's been too much going on that reality was harsh enough to ruin perfect everythings and turn them into nothing. "There is usually a Marxist moment in every relationship," Alain de Botton writes, "the moment when it becomes clear that love is reciprocated. The way it is resolved depends on the balance between self-love and self-hatred." Some of us may feel that we're unworthy of love and consequently fear it.

"Doubt," Botton says, "is easy when it is not a matter of survival: we are as skeptical as we can afford to be... it is hell to doubt the legitimacy of love." And this sadly i know all too well today. I guess the danger of believing in something is that it could turn out to be false. And the worst part is finding out there was never anything to back it up. Why do people say things like "there is no love" when all they were brave enough to reveal to you was love. And yet, we learn that "lovers cannot remain philosophers for long...they should prefer to risk being wrong and in love to being in doubt and without love." Tricky isn't it?

I realized, I am loved for many things. In fact, it is my creases that make me endearing to many people. So what if I can be needy, demanding, in need of attention and whiney? So what if I have problems that make me irritable or emotionally intense? SO WHAT? I have been loved in the past and am loved for this. And this is ME. You're welcome to take me as is, because I've learned that it is within love that "there is a constant confirmation of our selves." And it has been through love that I've learned to boast of the person that i am.

Thank God and He has blessed me with amazing friends who've learned to love me, as i've learned to love them. "...is it not comforting to be able to find refuge from the dangers of invisibility in the arms of someone who has our identity firmly in mind?" (Botton, 100). It's a pity not everybody can be as loving as they wish they could be. And it turns out worse when we can love people unconditionally and they in turn love us with condition. I have not reconciled these thoughts. I guess its just as my Salbs has said, "take whatever signs He gives you Salbs, God doesn't need to shout".

"And what excuse was there for this?", Botton writes, "Nothing but the old line that parents and politicians will use before taking out their scalpels: I care about you, therefore i will upset you..."

Goodnight.

wouldn't it be nice to see into the future once in awhile? i remembered a conversation i recently had with pao (aka lolo pao) about de ja vu. we were on our way to shangri-la, when he said "oh. de ja vu. parang i've seen this na before." Isn't de ja vu some sort of dream you have, and then it projects you into the future? well, i learned, that we only use a small percentage of our brains; the rest which cannot be explained, is in theory what holds the plans of our lives. Kumbaga, nilagay ni Lord dun. And it is these plans which we access and then match to reality when it actually happens. Astig noh?

I came back to that thought two nights ago when nic and I were talking about the future. I remembered it because, very often, people are lucky enough to know deep down in their hearts, and with no grand explanation, when they've come across the person they're meant to marry. Isn't it amazing to hear love stories that have "and then i just knew..." in them? God's grace filled them and that's exactly why they were able to identify that one soul that was calling out to theirs as well.

In Paulo Coelho's Brida, it says that we have many soulmates. There's not just one. our souls split, there's a girl version and a guy version. But through time, our souls have become fractions of the two originating souls that were meant to find each other. And that is why, in our lifetime, we are able to identify quite a number. I've been lucky enough to find some of mine. :) Best friends are soul mates. And so are mine.

If there was anything I was meant to find for the here and the now, it was the other souls for which i was meant to re-connect with. Aside from the family that I have been placed with, I've found many souls that have called out to mine, and every time it feels like home, i know i'm in the right place. There are no words to describe it, but for some strange reason, i KNOW. And for this, I find myself extremely blessed. It was in His plans for me after all. And as was said on graduation day, God gives us our desires in order to work in accordance to His plan for us. And I'm lucky I heard Him. :)

I'm trying to remember everything we used to sing in ACMG during the Christmas season. Hay. It's so nice to hear Christmas carols in chorale groups. I super miss singing with mine. :) I posted some of my favorites on multiply, for everyone to listen to them. I used to sing those songs! 4, 5 times a night. :D

I'm trying to remember Christmas... :) hopefully this helps me

i now understand why dingdong and marian are the hottest couple in philippine TV. They're just so good on screen!!! Iza Calzado did extremely well too. GRABE. hands down talaga ako sa One True Love. Galing talaga ng GMA films! <3

true love comes more than once in a lifetime

Oh diba?

On July 31st, I fell in love with edward cullen.

I decided to clear out my LJ today, because all my entries were filled with angst. But as I kept moving backwards, so many good memories started to unfold. It was a different me, in love with a different scenario. It was me in love with what was once my edward cullen. It was edward cullen, once very persistent, loving, and extremely handsome to me.

I woke up at an ungodly hour this morning (4am), panting. I was crying extremely hard in my sleep. it was my edward. he had turned into some sort of devil i could not recognize, and all he wanted to do was hurt me. :-( the dream still haunts me. it really does. And every time i have to recall it, it sends shivers up and down my spine. could it be true? my edward scares me?

Remember when edward had to stay away from bella for her own sake? Remember how it almost killed her because she thought it was also what was best for them? I feel the way Bella felt. It's been 10 DAYS. Is this how you really want to hurt me? How much longer is this going to take? Did you really think that staying away from me would do it? That everything would heal itself and I would be okay? Or were you hoping to severe it, and cut through it already?

We're both extremely tired yes. But its always been your call. never mine.

Ron blue sent me a text the other night that read "sometimes you hav to run away not just to create distance, but to see who cares enough to run behind and pull you back..." It's just like that cliche bumper sticker that reads, "sometimes we hav to put up walls to see who cares enough to tear them down". I suppose everyone has some streak of feeling needy. None of us are exempt. We can try to be the toughies that we are, but in the end, the very fact that we're social beings, forces us to become dependent on one another. Philo of religion comes into play here too, but lets not go into that.

I finally bought breaking dawn and I'm taking my precious time reading through it - laughing, screaming and sighing as the story develops. If you havent started reading twilight I suggest that you do.  I was absolutely torn between Edward and Jacob after re-reading Eclipse, but i realized that we could all be in love with both Edward and jacob at the same time.

I miss my Jacob. Yep, that boy I stapled as my heart-healer a while back. But I guess the reason why Jacob has appealed to me so much is because he, like me, is a runner. And like that quote from  Lucy reads, "everything remains the same and yet nothing is the same" for Jacob.

Ron Blue's text to me the other night seemed more than fitting. It was describing me at that very moment, with that very intention lingering somewhere in the back of my head. And so i suppose thats where all my "spontaneous combustion" was headed. I know I can be vague -- super -- but I like to work things through on my own now first before pulling in anyone in with me. Of course I have my salbabida (Nica), my best friend (Reg) and my prima (Welo) to talk me through it, but I can only reveal so much, and to only them. There are reasons why I now hold back on my crazy, and there are just too many things I find I can't explain. Rather, choose not to explain. So I'm not going to.

Running has always been SOP. Running is probably all i know, and what i'm best at. I suppose its also because there is that thrill of being run after. But its when I know that nothing or no one is coming in to pull me back, that I can't help but run faster and this time without looking back.

I'm not about to go explaining myself. not anymore.
I've known one thing all along, and this is how i'm going to deal with it. I see no point now in looking back. Everything remains the same, remember? and yet nothing is the same. Run faster.